It’s been challenging to keep this up and meet my first big deadline of the year. I’ve managed to find peace with my level of engagement and ability. When I’m working on a project I typically have to put everything into it to get it done. While I don’t want to get too wonky about it, I find that there is an underlying process or formula that influences the why’s of this.

I play chess. Not very well, but I play. What I enjoy about the game is the analysis; going through as many scenarios as possible to anticipate potential outcomes one the board and influence them. That’s what I do to complete a project as well. When it is design and layout, when I’m opening up space and populating it (which sounds a little manifest destiny creepy), I’m using a similar method to anticipate distribution.

There is a softness and there is struggle at the poles and all manner of madness in between.

The distance between a caress and a crash into a fountain on the front lawn of her parents house at 4am.

Draw a line from the east side west and turn north when you see the carnage. It means she’s close.

Freewrite. There is a strange thing that happens when I struggle to find words. My mind throws randoms; start with this, what about that? The people who are most vested in your demise will say anything to tear you down. I’ve stayed out of larger community groups because the way most people do community is invasive. Stream of consciousness. There is a place where I go, that only I know, so far away. There’s a place where I go there when I get there I will stay. There is a place where I let myself be on occasion, when I am not forever more in the out door. 

 

I share the things I used to share with you with the gods alone now. They are much more receptive now that you aren’t on the line.

It’s been extremely challenging to find my way to this page today. I’m in the middle of a newspaper deadline and the last thing that I want to do is spend more time in front of the screen.

Eventually I plan to have a handful of drafts that I can clean up and share when I’m dragging like this. I’m still writing even though I’m not feeling it because I made a commitment to do so.

And sometimes when I least feel like it is when I have the best writing experiences and or new and powerful ideas are born.

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