There is a softness and there is struggle at the poles and all manner of madness in between.

The distance between a caress and a crash into a fountain on the front lawn of her parents house at 4am.

Draw a line from the east side west and turn north when you see the carnage. It means she’s close.

Freewrite. There is a strange thing that happens when I struggle to find words. My mind throws randoms; start with this, what about that? The people who are most vested in your demise will say anything to tear you down. I’ve stayed out of larger community groups because the way most people do community is invasive. Stream of consciousness. There is a place where I go, that only I know, so far away. There’s a place where I go there when I get there I will stay. There is a place where I let myself be on occasion, when I am not forever more in the out door. 

 

I share the things I used to share with you with the gods alone now. They are much more receptive now that you aren’t on the line.

It’s been extremely challenging to find my way to this page today. I’m in the middle of a newspaper deadline and the last thing that I want to do is spend more time in front of the screen.

Eventually I plan to have a handful of drafts that I can clean up and share when I’m dragging like this. I’m still writing even though I’m not feeling it because I made a commitment to do so.

And sometimes when I least feel like it is when I have the best writing experiences and or new and powerful ideas are born.

23

It has been good to post here daily. I’ve found my way to some new words and have been able to expose upon them. As I continue to process M & M, which is becoming extremely rich with meaning, I break from commentary  to observe the most immediate impact of removing social media from my daily existence.

First, the majority of time on my phone was spent on social media. With the apps deleted, my muscle memory still has me picking up my phone and looking for them. It is more noticeable when I’m first waking and when I am tired. I pick up my phone to see what’s happening and there’s nothing there.

While this blatant addictive behavior is embarrassing, the fact that I’m tuning into it more by going cold turkey is also a nod toward liberation and evolution. There is a potential that realizing how hooked you are can turn you off. I’m attempting to ride that one here. It does feel liberating to have moments that typically would be broadcast out to many remain private and personal, special and sacred.